i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
