New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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