She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
