just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
