She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
