i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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