My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
