My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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