I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
