Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
