Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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