the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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