Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
