I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I looked at my own cervix.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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