I have demons in me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
