My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We have started to decorate penises.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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