i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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