On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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