Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
