I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
