Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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