There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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