Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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