I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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