My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
