he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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