ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
