i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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