My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
