It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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