a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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