I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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