i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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