absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
