Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
