Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
