I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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