Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
