Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
