Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
