I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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