Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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