Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
