bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
