I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
