Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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