The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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