He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
