Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
