So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
