I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
