I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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