you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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