i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
